another second breathe

Orite.
Living away from the family demands you to commute often and that increases the probability of you encountering, or even involve in a road incident.

That's a fact, at least to me.
Let's make a little travel down the road to the year of 2010.

1. Driving alone at LPT 4 o'clock in the morning. Almost hit a cow who happens to lepak2 ambik angin atas hiway di pagi bute.
2. Had a friend involved in an accident while carpooling, at LPT, most probably due to the driver's negligence (mengantuk + penat + driving). One of the carpooled member died instantly after hitting a moving treler.
3. A collegue who involves in an accident, at LPT, hitting a divider and lost his son.
4. At LPT, 4 o'clock in the morning, and encounter with 3 cars at 3 locations, facing the opposite direction of the road, most probably due to accidentally skid when losing control at turns.
5. Inspira vs Lancer at LPT. Tragic. The baby lost both of the parents.
6. 3 proton saga iswara. Front collision. Remuk separuh kerete. All 3. At LPT. Just this evening.

At least these are what I can recall.

So.
Ok I agree ini adelah takdir and ajal maut di tangan tuhan. But I believe we can can control our action, we can choose to behave on the road, we can at least think on possible consequences of our action and at least think that we just want to arrive safely.
Let's just put aside God's business and just weigh on options and decisions that we, human, can control.
I strongly believe that we can actually make the surrounding safer by making a right decision.

Most people, and that includes me, having this different attitude on the road, easily panas and just rage - angry and simply want to let it out. Making decisions without thinking - ikot kepale, org kate. Ikot sangat baran.

But seriously. We are talking about moving machines at 100+ km/hr travelling in the same path heading to the same direction. LOTS can happen, due to ANYTHING.

Let's talk about speed, since most (I believe) incidents happen are due to speed.
Orite.
U drive at 240 km/hr on the right lane and u have maintained the speed for about 10 minutes. There are cars travelling on both lanes, when suddenly there is another car driving in the right lane with halaju kebangsaan 110 km/hr. You just so laju that the car in front of you can't even make it to move to the left lane due to insufficient allowance for it to sneak in between the moving cars, safely. Then you bumped into the car, gedebang gedebung and who's to blame?

You driving at 240 or the driver who's driving 110 at the right lane?

Sincerely, I believe both are having their own shares in this incident.

Kenape kau gile sangat bawak macam pelesit time kerete tengah banyak on the hiway and kenape kau sengal sangat bawak 110 and duduk dekat lane kanan.

So.
Better take control of our action and toksah nak fikir ape yang orang lain PATUT buat - see, u don't have any control on that but u CAN control your action.
So let's just make the best decision that'll benefit ourselves, and indirectly the others.

It's simple I believe.
Mengantuk berhenti lah.
Rase nak laju berpade2 lah.
Rase bosan drive sorang2 nak borak on the fon pakailah headset or on speakerfon.
Really is simple. Tak susah mane pon. Just make the RIGHT decision. That's all.

It just may save our lives. We don't know but kite kan ade HAK untuk berusaha. Then let the rest to Him to decide.

Ape susah.

Seriously.
I just want to arrive safely. BiG please.

getting married, having kid, living single away from hubby.

what has changed thru out this journey?

well, physical is the most obvious but let's put that on the side first - lots to debate on when it comes to this sensitive big issue.

look at the other part - my inner side. my strength, my weaknesses. my inner relationship with Him, my social-being..

am i getting wiser?

better?

who may answer?

 

Ummar's one y-o! Subhanallah tq Allah for the period He has given us exploring with this little kiddo. Last year today I am still struggling learning how to bfing him, it doesn't feel like a year has passed. Yess.. Me n my disbelief in time will never end..

He just got MMR shot last Saturday & quoting the paed there's only 10% of the kids who will get fever due to the shot & the fever will only begin a week after. Oh doc how I hope that you are right on either..but neither for Ummar! Demam the moment he arrived home from clinic & prolong until this morning.

Last night is the worst. 40degC. He refuses to sleep on the mattress so last night he slept on me. His body vibrates (or more like shivers) at every 5 seconds gap, but he remains so cool..keep turning left & right finding spots to lay his head on. What worries so much is that he doesn't take any fluids n solids since Sunday morning..even after the long drive back to Kerteh he is still in no mood of filling that little tummy of his.

Alhamdulillah this morning the temperature reduces..we went to see doc to confirm on his current being & quoting the doc "treat your son the same way your mom treated you. Don't be thinking that the small amount of this dangerous drugs (yes. dangerous) will affect the well being of your son on the long run. Íf that's the case I bet you & I won't be having this conversation today". Haha yeah doc..! well I get the message. Just that sometimes am thinking a little over the edge. Maybe due to the absence of my mom, else my answer to all this baby-toddler issue will always be a phone call away.

Anyway.
I know now that being a single mom is not easy.
Previously I thot I can juggle but the real case is a little bit harder than what I thot I'd be able to handle.
But guess what - alah bisa tegar biasa - things will come my way.. InsyAllah :)

Ibu & Ummar will survive this far away land...papa don't worry OK hehe

 
 

Ummar's having flu,and a little fever. Unlike the past 6 months when he had fever due to pneumococcal vaccine,he was all sweaty and grumpy and kain basah is his bestfriend. But this time he is cooler,fighting it like a big man,bariing aje,taking rest,menyorok bawah selimut and try his best to sleep. Kadang2 bangun nak minum jus then bile dah lege tido balik. Oh my,he is just 11 months,but already act like a grown up.

This is our 3rd night without papa. I admit it is darn boring. And the 1st day I bet Ummar knows that his papa is away he got tantrum the 1st half of the day. Ibu sampai nangis2 call papa & mengadu tak tahan dengar Ummar nangis aje. Papa ask ibu to be cool..you said Ummar just nak company,he hates being alone,nak ade org dekat dgn die.

that's normal..mase papa jage pon Ummar behave mcm tu.

Then I said papa tak pernah pon cerite Ummar perangai mcm ni,all the while papa mms hari2 muke Ummar hepi ceria je,bile ibu tanye papa cakap Ummar gudboy,behave,kdg2 je die buat perangai. Then papa reply,


xkan papa hari2 nak cerite mcm tu dekat ibu,ibu hari2 balik kerje penat lps tu papa nak ngadu pasal Ummar pulak.sbb tu kdg2 kalau Ummar buat perangai pagi2 xnak renggang papa mmg x sempat nak prepare lunch utk kite,mintak ibu tapao je.

ibu kene sabar dgn Ummar,die x pandai cakap lagi,we should give the attention he needs,bukan marah2 die balik,lagi buat die sedih.kalau ibu boleh sabar bwk die dlm tummy dulu mestilah ibu boleh sabar layan perangai ummar skrg.

And then I cry some more. Merah2 mate hidung sampai Ummar pon stop nangis sbb terkesima tgk ibu nangis. Papa x bagi ibu moody n nangis selalu sbb Ummar can feel the vibe,lagi die tak relax nanti.

Papa,
I have told you earlier on the phone just how much I feel sorry for sometimes angin tak tentu pasal ikot sgt darah mude (bak kate papa). What I didn't see is how u cope with our baby for almost a year now. I jage Ummar baru 3 full days tp dah mengadu mcm2 dkt papa while u only say good things about him. These 3 days makes me realize how much I am not being fair to you.

We have been married for 2 years syg, plus Ummar soon going to turn 1 (Subhanallah how time flies..) Throughout this moment you have been the one who sacrifice in this relationship. You leave the job that you love doing just to be with me here in this far land Kerteh. And after 6 months you quit that stupid company because I just cant stand it hearing you telling the stories on how unmanageable that company is, though they try to hold you longer with a handsome offer you still say no because you want us to move closer to Kerteh since we had just found out that we are going to have a baby soon. 2010 is the year that I slowly ripped the normality of your life, syg..so that you will stay, with me, and take care of me, and our baby. You remember when movies and hanging out every weekends were our routine? and suddenly it just stops? because we make just enough to last until the next paycheck comes in? and how we substitute the movies and hangouts with home made cooking? Oh syg u r so supportive! & understanding..I dunno how else to describe you and how much u mean to me!

& now, u are going to go back to KL, like I have promised earlier, for you to wait until Ummar turns 1. U know me and my paranoid self did not agree to send Ummar to nursery when he's still a toddler, I just can't imagine how strangers going to treat him. If he's grumpy they'll just slap him sesuka hati to shut him up, or even worse bagi ubat batok or ubat tidor, I can't help but have those kinds of thoughts going around in my head. But u support me syg, all the way..and now the time has come.

Ummar's going to turn 1 next month,
U have killed that job you specialized in,
& U are going to stay in KL,
and that's exactly 375km away from where I sit now.
It means that starting anytime soon there will be Sundays Mondays Tuesdays Wednesdays Thursdays without u here!

Oh papa it is so quick!

I am not sure if I am ready!

But u being u, with that soothing words and konon2 buat I tenang of which sebenarnye papa tau kan I totally freaked out living here without u.

So I guess now is my turn to sacrifice in this relationship (though not totally and not so much of sacrifice pon. It is just that Ummar is going to stay with me, nothing more.)

This is going to be different.

But I am so thankful that the 1st two years of our marriage we have spent all of that time together and we learn about each other; the good and the nazi's side of each other and we still stick together until today. I guess that's lucky on my side being married to you whose a decade older than me! And not so lucky you for having to tolerate with the (sometimes) immature me.

Alhamdulillah..

Alhamdulillah..that it is you that have been written to be my other half.

U fit the pieces pa. Perfectly.
U hold my hand throughout this journey and you pick me when I jatuh tergolek dok macam cempedak busuk.

And I am writing this because I don't want to forget the moment that I realize I am the luckiest women alive! Having you as my husband and Ummar as our little sunshine.

Alhamdulillah..
Alhamdulillah..
Alhamdulillah..

Thank you ya Allah.

papa, i love u, regardless.






no one really knows what we've been going thru.
i am going to stick with u.

mase kecik mase tengah urut tapak kaki mak, mak cakap "tahu tak syurga tu di bawah tapak kaki ibu?"
aku gelak. ok. i was 6. i can't read between the lines. everything is literal. so bile jenguk tapak kaki mak and all i can see is tapak kaki - otak aku berhenti di situ sahaje. takde syurge bawah tapak kaki ibu.

bile masuk sekolah dah pandai sikit - ustazah cerite kenape dikatekan syurga tu tempatnye bawah tapak kaki ibu - bahawasenye berkat & redha seorang ibu terhadap kehidupan kamu akan membawa ke berkat Tuhan mu dan syurge adalah balasan yang telah dijanjikan ke atas kamu.

ingat lagi ape yang mak suke cakap - ingat, doa ibu tu takde tapis nye. straight pergi dekat Allah. jgn risau, mak sentiase doakan kamu.

sebab tu kadang2 study lebih kurang je tapi dapat result ok kot? huhu. agaknyele..

mak cerite lagi, mase mak sekolah dulu, bangun pagi pergi angkat air penuhkan tempayan, lepas tu pergi menoreh. sebelum pergi sekolah salam atok & nenek, n cium tapak kaki nenek. everyday.

tapi mak tak ajar kami salam gitu, mak ajar salam cium tangan lepas tu cium pipi kanan, pipi kiri, n dahi, mak & ayah.
most of my friends zaman sekolah asrama dulu startled seeing how i greet my parents, teringat lagi one of the girls said, aku tak pernah cium ayah aku, salam cium tangan je lah. cium pipi tak pernah pon. aku, startled dengan komen die, for i thot semua anak2 di dunia ni greet parents mereke seperti yang kami adik beradik buat.

& sampai sekarang we still greet ayah the way we've been tought how.

in my 22 years of living i never kissed my mom's foot. but that day when she lies there, still, not moving, not living, i kissed her foot - it was freezing cold, n hard, and i kissed it. twice. for all i know is i don't want to missed that chance. i never did it when she was alive, so i don't want to lose it to the very last. i kissed my mom's foot - and that moment i understand why the saying "syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu". tempat yang terindah yang dijanjikan Tuhan untuk hambanya dilambangkan ditempat yang terendah di tubuh manusia - tapi di tubuh manusia yang mulia di sisiNya - seorang ibu.

mak pernah cakap lagi - kahwin nanti dalam keadaan macam mane sekalipun taat kamu berpindah ke suami kamu - redha Allah dah bergantung ke redha suami - kamu wajib mentaati suami lebih dari kamu mentaati mak dengan ayah. syurga di bawah tapak kaki die nanti.

i hate to hear that - for i can't think that there'll come a day that one man will take away the first priority box i've set for my parents.
but funnily that day came and i am willingly embraced it.

but mak was not there to witness it. or else my wedding day will be one crying-my-eyes-out-and-blotched-all-the-eyeliner-mascara-whatsoever day.

bile diingat balik, bersyukur mak dah pesan awal2 - walau mase tu tengah matrix lagi - cerite kahwin tu still dekat langit hijau lagi- tapi mak dah pesan dekat kami - syurga kamu nanti berpindah ke tapak kaki suami - taat suami - jadi isteri yang menggembirekan hati - pandai jaga maruah diri - jual nama baik suami & famili. and she has set a life example for us - how she walks the talks - that's priceless.

i had lost my heaven but last years i get it back - kata2 mak remains - tho it is so damn hard to embrace sometimes but the flashes of her words bring me back to the ground again.

i know now where's my heaven.


it is right next to me..

 

   
pizza is doable - suck it pizzahut!

roti is doable - suck it all-d-bakery-in-m'sia!

cendol is doable - suck it mamak!

next doable item: chicken peri - peri. jaga - jaga cik salmah!

hehe


     

post ini lambat. 23 years ago she already turned 1 day by this time.
akak & ayah kid around on her birth time. if you were born sharp at 0000 hours, technically, you don't have a specific birth day, since 0000 is at the border - transition between yesterday and today. mcm ats pagar - you don't belong to either side.
she just laughed dat silly joke away.
ouh how we grew up together - kick around, keeping secrets, telling stories, sharing dreams.
"kak, kalau dah besar nanti dah ade duit, kau nak beli ape?"
aku cakap aku nak beli rumah, nak beli kerete..
bile tanye die, die jawab
"aku nak beli katil, nak tidor atas katil, sebab aku tak pernah ade katil sendiri"
& i laugh on dat thot, i think it's pretty funny when the 1st thing crosses her mind with cash in hands is katil.
glimpse of innocence.
but i did not laugh at dat day, when she brought one home. at her tender age of 22, and not working yet. she got a katil of her own.big one i would say, with nice plumpy mattress that i envy so much.
i did not laugh, i smile, and i asked her if she still remembers, and she just smile back.
it's her birthday yesterday - ong date chinese would say [3388], & she has bring ong to us thru out the way.

so 4u - it's just a number, it does not represent your wisdom, you yourself represent yourself.
go reach dat cloud - d ladder is ther eventho u may not see it, it's ther. just get a firm hold, & climb you!


p/s: k'lg, i did not make a special birthday post 4u last time. will pay it forward. long live insyAllah :)

  
  
whenever i tell you one thing about my current life that seems like a taboo to most people - i am not reaching out for your sympathy, i am simply being honest.

whenever i just smile at your insensitive remarks or labelling - i am not being helpless, i am restraining myself from going to that dark place again where i just bluntly lose my patience.

whenever i change the topic every time you ask me that same question - i am not running away, it's just that you are not the person that i wanted to share.

and when i am not sharing it with you - it doesn't mean that i am bottling the feelings inside, it's not that i am crying my life in my heart - it's just that, i don't feel the sense of caring coming from you, what i feel is just the attention to make me feel less of my life.

and when you dare use the word "care" to justify,
deep down i am giving you that finger that seldomly rise among all the fingers of the hand on my right.

until the day that i am begging you for life,
please make it very clear that i am currently doing fine.

if you say i am in the state of denial,
i think you are just trying hard to make you feel better with the state you are in right now by making me feel small and little and very damn minimal.

and if you think i am being too harsh with my selection of words,
believe me yours to me is just as much harsh as this, i am just paying it forward.

and don't you assume the other people too own credit cards like you do and make your pocket burn,
i never own one and so is my husband.

fin-
  
  
  

sakit.




  

if diz song was on when i was 11,
i wuld dedic8 it to my akak,
for she is my living hell thru out my pre-teen era - hehe

if diz song was on in 2009 - in d prep for my marriage,
i wuld dedic8 it to my kaklang,
for d stupid fight dat we had - and for how cruel she'd been to me (or so i thot) - hehe

but diz song was just on - & i have no 1 specific to dedic8 it to now,
becuz i'd turned on a new leaf - openly giv a damn care about wut evry1 think - or d opposite.

but i sure think dat if she knows, adik wuld dedic8 it to me,
for i am her living hell from then, till now, & forever (i much believe) - hehe

tv show that got his freak on:
house MD

what he thinks of grey's anatomy:
cheeeesy...bosan.

fav mcD's meal:
fillet o'fish

song he always sings out of tune in car:
back 2 good - matchbox 20

movie that he literally remembers all d lines:
pulp fiction

his so-called alter ego:
billy bob thornton

fav pitstop:
kedai jambu kakak "ratu kebaye" dekat tapah

his cooking style:
c.a.m.p.a.k!

what he did on my 22nd birthday:
sing happy birthday totally out of tune! & leave it in my voicemail

his fantasy girlfriend:
gwen stefani - yodelay yodelay yodelay yayyy!

his belief:
dettol can cure all your skin issues

he eats:
everything, even the almost basi one - he just didn't notice it

he says no to:
no smoking

his dress code:
anything smart up ther + selipa jamban of whatever version down there

what he'll do to a glass of horlicks:
pour it into your mother's potted plant!












what he gave to me on my 4th semester?
a letter

what he wrote there?
he said he's very sorry that he were not there like anyone like him would and should have








i dunno..

if he knows, he'll know



**

oh, it's going to turn 8th next week.


yesterday my husband ask if i'm interested to join bukak puase sponsored by his colleague - buat kat hotel - so i answered why not - it's on our monthyversary anyway - something to be celebrated lah kan (yes, i am cheap. we don't celebrate the monthyversary)

it's going to be the 8th month that i share my whole daily xtvts with - gosok gigi, breakfast, shop for groceries, lepak tepi pantai, sleep, movies, demam, sakit..evry single thing, you name it. & another 4 months we are going to meet that same path that we chose to travel in, yes, in another 4 months i can proudly say that i have been married to him for a year now - and that's when i can legally use the word annyversary (monthy sounds cuter tho..)


and it's going to turn 8th month nextweek,
and i have face with uncounted number of the same question in god-knows multiple version:

dah ade isi ke?
bile nak dapat baby?
u nampak berisi, ade ape-ape ke?
eh, lame tak borak, ade cerite gembire?
bile lagi turn you?
i rase u pregnant kot, banyak makan semacam je ni
kawan kite yang tu dah, yang ni dah, kau bile lagi?
cepat2 ok, anak aku nak kawan
alah sian, anak jiran yang u letak jadi wallpaper, bile nak letak gambar anak sendiri?


& it goes on,
n i believe it will go on forever, until the moment that there is actually a living soul inside my tummy.



i just had a conversation about this with my sister,
i mean, about people asking questions just for the purpose to make you feel small and offended, and for them to feel superior and have a f***ing right to give remarks or directions in how you should lead your life.


i was married at 24 and people don't get the chance to hush-hush asking when will i get married.
but suprisingly, even then, people give me this:-

awalnye kahwin! eh u dah sedia ke ni?


f*** you people.
you selfish *****
you give me that remarks while at the same time turn your head around and asking my 30 year old sister "bile lagi kakak nye ni nak kahwin? adik 2 orang dah kahwin dah.."


just because you have a husband and an endless number of children doesn't mean that people who doesn't is damn f***ing miserable.

do you get my message here?


my mother tought us about ikhlas.

ikhlas dalam bersahabat,
ikhlas dalam mengambil berat.

she don't teach us the opposite.

so let me tell you now.
maybe the reason why it has been a long time since i give a damn about you is because you have offended me - in a way that i never thought you will.

jodoh, ajal, rezqi are things that are out of our control.

feel humble and think back, people..

if you can ask me bile nak dapat anak,

can i pleassssssssse ask you back bile you nak mati?





.

.....
abes tu amende?

make nye, merujuk balik ke page cik imah, yg cube dimaksudkan di sini adelah Kaum Isteri Pisau Cukur - the abb. sounds more professional rite?

nway..
to heat things up, or to share stories, & maybe we can share thoughts on this - here goes:

Apakah harga kebebasan suami?

scene:
tengahari yang sangat panas,
muke berminyak-minyak,
mengadap nasik berlauk ikan kembong masak cili api,
di bawah atap rumbia.

"jah, suami kau tolong angkat baju tak kat rumah?"

gelak.
"mestilah, kalau aku mintak tolong die tolong je"

"baru2 kawin ni boleh lah.."

hurm..
"apesal tanye?"

"aku tak payah angkat baju kau tau. kerje rumah hape pon tak payah buat"

wahhhh....
"best betul? wife ok ke?"

"ok lah. aku bayar kebebasan aku dari buat kerje rumah"

wow!
"bayar? amende?"

gelak.
"gaji tiap2 bulan 100% handover"

"serius?
abestu, belanje sendiri? makan, minyak..?"

gelak lagi kuat.
"cume tu je lah, hari2 mintak duit belanje.
yang...nak mintak duit belanje hari ni"

tepuk dahi & gelak tersangkut2.
"serius?"
"sanggup?"

"sanggup. asalkan aku tak payah angkat baju,
tak payah tukar lampin anak,
tak payah buat susu anak..bla bla..
aku ade kebebasan aku"

wow.
hurm.
ok.

"aku,
aku lagi rele tak dapat nafkah $$ dari suami daripada buat kerje rumah sorang2 dari pintu pagar rumah kat depan tu sampai pintu belakang. itu tahap merase diri dikahwini utk jadi bibik - iron baju, cuci toilet, vacuum rumah semua aku buat sorg, memang orang gaji betul ni"

gelak.

balik, tanye my roomie.

"kalau u ade option sama ada rilex goyang kaki kat rumah tak payah buat ape2 or tolong i buat kerje rumah, mane satu u choos?
tapi syaratnye, kalau u nak rilex, u have to handover all ur gaji to me."

diam.




"i tak kahwin dgn u utk jadikan u org gaji"

"u choos ape?"

"selame ni i tolong u kan by.."

hehe. nasib baik memberi jawapan yg dikehendaki.
thanx rumie ;)

nway.
to conclude this.
frankly, it's my 1st time hearing diz stori - suami yg membayar harge kebebasan diri.
i dunno,
maybe i m toooo katak di bawah tempurung,
but i still believe that marriage is about completing each other,
about splitting everything into two, not doubling.

sebelum kahwin:
laundry seminggu sekali, load 4 kg.

lepas kahwin:
load 8 kg, laundry twice a week.
i basuh + sidai, u tolong angkat ye.

sebelum kahwin:
dinner beli.

lepas kahwin:
ok. i masak, kite maqan same2, u tolong cuci ok?
@
i masak + cuci, u tlg buang sampah.

sebelum kahwin:
bangun + make up bed + buat breakfast

lepas kahwin:
bangun + buat breakfast + "syg, tlg make up the bed ye"


and evrythin else..

so.

sebelum kahwin:
u jump + i jump

lepas kahwin:
u jump
+
i goyang kaki tgk tv

......?

freedom - kebebasan, ataupun lepas tangan?

i kissed her hand - "mak, maaf kan saye"

i kissed her face, and a quick hug, buried my face in her neck

i looked into her eyes - i was sobing hard - saw couple of tears flowing from her eyes

she wiped off my tears, and she nodded - and i got up and left

..
......
.
.........


dat was our last encounter.

had i know about it - i will do everything differently

but i don't





saye rindu mak. sangat.