what's the drawback?

Living away from the family demands you to commute often and that increases the probability of you encountering, or even involve in a road incident.

That's a fact, at least to me.
Let's make a little travel down the road to the year of 2010.

1. Driving alone at LPT 4 o'clock in the morning. Almost hit a cow who happens to lepak2 ambik angin atas hiway di pagi bute.
2. Had a friend involved in an accident while carpooling, at LPT, most probably due to the driver's negligence (mengantuk + penat + driving). One of the carpooled member died instantly after hitting a moving treler.
3. A collegue who involves in an accident, at LPT, hitting a divider and lost his son.
4. At LPT, 4 o'clock in the morning, and encounter with 3 cars at 3 locations, facing the opposite direction of the road, most probably due to accidentally skid when losing control at turns.
5. Inspira vs Lancer at LPT. Tragic. The baby lost both of the parents.
6. 3 proton saga iswara. Front collision. Remuk separuh kerete. All 3. At LPT. Just this evening.

At least these are what I can recall.

Ok I agree ini adelah takdir and ajal maut di tangan tuhan. But I believe we can can control our action, we can choose to behave on the road, we can at least think on possible consequences of our action and at least think that we just want to arrive safely.
Let's just put aside God's business and just weigh on options and decisions that we, human, can control.
I strongly believe that we can actually make the surrounding safer by making a right decision.

Most people, and that includes me, having this different attitude on the road, easily panas and just rage - angry and simply want to let it out. Making decisions without thinking - ikot kepale, org kate. Ikot sangat baran.

But seriously. We are talking about moving machines at 100+ km/hr travelling in the same path heading to the same direction. LOTS can happen, due to ANYTHING.

Let's talk about speed, since most (I believe) incidents happen are due to speed.
U drive at 240 km/hr on the right lane and u have maintained the speed for about 10 minutes. There are cars travelling on both lanes, when suddenly there is another car driving in the right lane with halaju kebangsaan 110 km/hr. You just so laju that the car in front of you can't even make it to move to the left lane due to insufficient allowance for it to sneak in between the moving cars, safely. Then you bumped into the car, gedebang gedebung and who's to blame?

You driving at 240 or the driver who's driving 110 at the right lane?

Sincerely, I believe both are having their own shares in this incident.

Kenape kau gile sangat bawak macam pelesit time kerete tengah banyak on the hiway and kenape kau sengal sangat bawak 110 and duduk dekat lane kanan.

Better take control of our action and toksah nak fikir ape yang orang lain PATUT buat - see, u don't have any control on that but u CAN control your action.
So let's just make the best decision that'll benefit ourselves, and indirectly the others.

It's simple I believe.
Mengantuk berhenti lah.
Rase nak laju berpade2 lah.
Rase bosan drive sorang2 nak borak on the fon pakailah headset or on speakerfon.
Really is simple. Tak susah mane pon. Just make the RIGHT decision. That's all.

It just may save our lives. We don't know but kite kan ade HAK untuk berusaha. Then let the rest to Him to decide.

Ape susah.

I just want to arrive safely. BiG please.

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what has changed?

getting married, having kid, living single away from hubby.

what has changed thru out this journey?

well, physical is the most obvious but let's put that on the side first - lots to debate on when it comes to this sensitive big issue.

look at the other part - my inner side. my strength, my weaknesses. my inner relationship with Him, my social-being..

am i getting wiser?


who may answer?


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of 27th May, MMR and paranoia

Ummar's one y-o! Subhanallah tq Allah for the period He has given us exploring with this little kiddo. Last year today I am still struggling learning how to bfing him, it doesn't feel like a year has passed. Yess.. Me n my disbelief in time will never end..

He just got MMR shot last Saturday & quoting the paed there's only 10% of the kids who will get fever due to the shot & the fever will only begin a week after. Oh doc how I hope that you are right on either..but neither for Ummar! Demam the moment he arrived home from clinic & prolong until this morning.

Last night is the worst. 40degC. He refuses to sleep on the mattress so last night he slept on me. His body vibrates (or more like shivers) at every 5 seconds gap, but he remains so cool..keep turning left & right finding spots to lay his head on. What worries so much is that he doesn't take any fluids n solids since Sunday morning..even after the long drive back to Kerteh he is still in no mood of filling that little tummy of his.

Alhamdulillah this morning the temperature reduces..we went to see doc to confirm on his current being & quoting the doc "treat your son the same way your mom treated you. Don't be thinking that the small amount of this dangerous drugs (yes. dangerous) will affect the well being of your son on the long run. Íf that's the case I bet you & I won't be having this conversation today". Haha yeah doc..! well I get the message. Just that sometimes am thinking a little over the edge. Maybe due to the absence of my mom, else my answer to all this baby-toddler issue will always be a phone call away.

I know now that being a single mom is not easy.
Previously I thot I can juggle but the real case is a little bit harder than what I thot I'd be able to handle.
But guess what - alah bisa tegar biasa - things will come my way.. InsyAllah :)

Ibu & Ummar will survive this far away land...papa don't worry OK hehe


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i am writing because i want to remember this moment

Ummar's having flu,and a little fever. Unlike the past 6 months when he had fever due to pneumococcal vaccine,he was all sweaty and grumpy and kain basah is his bestfriend. But this time he is cooler,fighting it like a big man,bariing aje,taking rest,menyorok bawah selimut and try his best to sleep. Kadang2 bangun nak minum jus then bile dah lege tido balik. Oh my,he is just 11 months,but already act like a grown up.

This is our 3rd night without papa. I admit it is darn boring. And the 1st day I bet Ummar knows that his papa is away he got tantrum the 1st half of the day. Ibu sampai nangis2 call papa & mengadu tak tahan dengar Ummar nangis aje. Papa ask ibu to be said Ummar just nak company,he hates being alone,nak ade org dekat dgn die.

that's normal..mase papa jage pon Ummar behave mcm tu.

Then I said papa tak pernah pon cerite Ummar perangai mcm ni,all the while papa mms hari2 muke Ummar hepi ceria je,bile ibu tanye papa cakap Ummar gudboy,behave,kdg2 je die buat perangai. Then papa reply,

xkan papa hari2 nak cerite mcm tu dekat ibu,ibu hari2 balik kerje penat lps tu papa nak ngadu pasal Ummar pulak.sbb tu kdg2 kalau Ummar buat perangai pagi2 xnak renggang papa mmg x sempat nak prepare lunch utk kite,mintak ibu tapao je.

ibu kene sabar dgn Ummar,die x pandai cakap lagi,we should give the attention he needs,bukan marah2 die balik,lagi buat die sedih.kalau ibu boleh sabar bwk die dlm tummy dulu mestilah ibu boleh sabar layan perangai ummar skrg.

And then I cry some more. Merah2 mate hidung sampai Ummar pon stop nangis sbb terkesima tgk ibu nangis. Papa x bagi ibu moody n nangis selalu sbb Ummar can feel the vibe,lagi die tak relax nanti.

I have told you earlier on the phone just how much I feel sorry for sometimes angin tak tentu pasal ikot sgt darah mude (bak kate papa). What I didn't see is how u cope with our baby for almost a year now. I jage Ummar baru 3 full days tp dah mengadu mcm2 dkt papa while u only say good things about him. These 3 days makes me realize how much I am not being fair to you.

We have been married for 2 years syg, plus Ummar soon going to turn 1 (Subhanallah how time flies..) Throughout this moment you have been the one who sacrifice in this relationship. You leave the job that you love doing just to be with me here in this far land Kerteh. And after 6 months you quit that stupid company because I just cant stand it hearing you telling the stories on how unmanageable that company is, though they try to hold you longer with a handsome offer you still say no because you want us to move closer to Kerteh since we had just found out that we are going to have a baby soon. 2010 is the year that I slowly ripped the normality of your life, that you will stay, with me, and take care of me, and our baby. You remember when movies and hanging out every weekends were our routine? and suddenly it just stops? because we make just enough to last until the next paycheck comes in? and how we substitute the movies and hangouts with home made cooking? Oh syg u r so supportive! & understanding..I dunno how else to describe you and how much u mean to me!

& now, u are going to go back to KL, like I have promised earlier, for you to wait until Ummar turns 1. U know me and my paranoid self did not agree to send Ummar to nursery when he's still a toddler, I just can't imagine how strangers going to treat him. If he's grumpy they'll just slap him sesuka hati to shut him up, or even worse bagi ubat batok or ubat tidor, I can't help but have those kinds of thoughts going around in my head. But u support me syg, all the way..and now the time has come.

Ummar's going to turn 1 next month,
U have killed that job you specialized in,
& U are going to stay in KL,
and that's exactly 375km away from where I sit now.
It means that starting anytime soon there will be Sundays Mondays Tuesdays Wednesdays Thursdays without u here!

Oh papa it is so quick!

I am not sure if I am ready!

But u being u, with that soothing words and konon2 buat I tenang of which sebenarnye papa tau kan I totally freaked out living here without u.

So I guess now is my turn to sacrifice in this relationship (though not totally and not so much of sacrifice pon. It is just that Ummar is going to stay with me, nothing more.)

This is going to be different.

But I am so thankful that the 1st two years of our marriage we have spent all of that time together and we learn about each other; the good and the nazi's side of each other and we still stick together until today. I guess that's lucky on my side being married to you whose a decade older than me! And not so lucky you for having to tolerate with the (sometimes) immature me.


Alhamdulillah..that it is you that have been written to be my other half.

U fit the pieces pa. Perfectly.
U hold my hand throughout this journey and you pick me when I jatuh tergolek dok macam cempedak busuk.

And I am writing this because I don't want to forget the moment that I realize I am the luckiest women alive! Having you as my husband and Ummar as our little sunshine.


Thank you ya Allah.

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