another second breathe

papa, i love u, regardless.






no one really knows what we've been going thru.
i am going to stick with u.

mase kecik mase tengah urut tapak kaki mak, mak cakap "tahu tak syurga tu di bawah tapak kaki ibu?"
aku gelak. ok. i was 6. i can't read between the lines. everything is literal. so bile jenguk tapak kaki mak and all i can see is tapak kaki - otak aku berhenti di situ sahaje. takde syurge bawah tapak kaki ibu.

bile masuk sekolah dah pandai sikit - ustazah cerite kenape dikatekan syurga tu tempatnye bawah tapak kaki ibu - bahawasenye berkat & redha seorang ibu terhadap kehidupan kamu akan membawa ke berkat Tuhan mu dan syurge adalah balasan yang telah dijanjikan ke atas kamu.

ingat lagi ape yang mak suke cakap - ingat, doa ibu tu takde tapis nye. straight pergi dekat Allah. jgn risau, mak sentiase doakan kamu.

sebab tu kadang2 study lebih kurang je tapi dapat result ok kot? huhu. agaknyele..

mak cerite lagi, mase mak sekolah dulu, bangun pagi pergi angkat air penuhkan tempayan, lepas tu pergi menoreh. sebelum pergi sekolah salam atok & nenek, n cium tapak kaki nenek. everyday.

tapi mak tak ajar kami salam gitu, mak ajar salam cium tangan lepas tu cium pipi kanan, pipi kiri, n dahi, mak & ayah.
most of my friends zaman sekolah asrama dulu startled seeing how i greet my parents, teringat lagi one of the girls said, aku tak pernah cium ayah aku, salam cium tangan je lah. cium pipi tak pernah pon. aku, startled dengan komen die, for i thot semua anak2 di dunia ni greet parents mereke seperti yang kami adik beradik buat.

& sampai sekarang we still greet ayah the way we've been tought how.

in my 22 years of living i never kissed my mom's foot. but that day when she lies there, still, not moving, not living, i kissed her foot - it was freezing cold, n hard, and i kissed it. twice. for all i know is i don't want to missed that chance. i never did it when she was alive, so i don't want to lose it to the very last. i kissed my mom's foot - and that moment i understand why the saying "syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu". tempat yang terindah yang dijanjikan Tuhan untuk hambanya dilambangkan ditempat yang terendah di tubuh manusia - tapi di tubuh manusia yang mulia di sisiNya - seorang ibu.

mak pernah cakap lagi - kahwin nanti dalam keadaan macam mane sekalipun taat kamu berpindah ke suami kamu - redha Allah dah bergantung ke redha suami - kamu wajib mentaati suami lebih dari kamu mentaati mak dengan ayah. syurga di bawah tapak kaki die nanti.

i hate to hear that - for i can't think that there'll come a day that one man will take away the first priority box i've set for my parents.
but funnily that day came and i am willingly embraced it.

but mak was not there to witness it. or else my wedding day will be one crying-my-eyes-out-and-blotched-all-the-eyeliner-mascara-whatsoever day.

bile diingat balik, bersyukur mak dah pesan awal2 - walau mase tu tengah matrix lagi - cerite kahwin tu still dekat langit hijau lagi- tapi mak dah pesan dekat kami - syurga kamu nanti berpindah ke tapak kaki suami - taat suami - jadi isteri yang menggembirekan hati - pandai jaga maruah diri - jual nama baik suami & famili. and she has set a life example for us - how she walks the talks - that's priceless.

i had lost my heaven but last years i get it back - kata2 mak remains - tho it is so damn hard to embrace sometimes but the flashes of her words bring me back to the ground again.

i know now where's my heaven.


it is right next to me..

 

   
pizza is doable - suck it pizzahut!

roti is doable - suck it all-d-bakery-in-m'sia!

cendol is doable - suck it mamak!

next doable item: chicken peri - peri. jaga - jaga cik salmah!

hehe


     

post ini lambat. 23 years ago she already turned 1 day by this time.
akak & ayah kid around on her birth time. if you were born sharp at 0000 hours, technically, you don't have a specific birth day, since 0000 is at the border - transition between yesterday and today. mcm ats pagar - you don't belong to either side.
she just laughed dat silly joke away.
ouh how we grew up together - kick around, keeping secrets, telling stories, sharing dreams.
"kak, kalau dah besar nanti dah ade duit, kau nak beli ape?"
aku cakap aku nak beli rumah, nak beli kerete..
bile tanye die, die jawab
"aku nak beli katil, nak tidor atas katil, sebab aku tak pernah ade katil sendiri"
& i laugh on dat thot, i think it's pretty funny when the 1st thing crosses her mind with cash in hands is katil.
glimpse of innocence.
but i did not laugh at dat day, when she brought one home. at her tender age of 22, and not working yet. she got a katil of her own.big one i would say, with nice plumpy mattress that i envy so much.
i did not laugh, i smile, and i asked her if she still remembers, and she just smile back.
it's her birthday yesterday - ong date chinese would say [3388], & she has bring ong to us thru out the way.

so 4u - it's just a number, it does not represent your wisdom, you yourself represent yourself.
go reach dat cloud - d ladder is ther eventho u may not see it, it's ther. just get a firm hold, & climb you!


p/s: k'lg, i did not make a special birthday post 4u last time. will pay it forward. long live insyAllah :)

  
  
whenever i tell you one thing about my current life that seems like a taboo to most people - i am not reaching out for your sympathy, i am simply being honest.

whenever i just smile at your insensitive remarks or labelling - i am not being helpless, i am restraining myself from going to that dark place again where i just bluntly lose my patience.

whenever i change the topic every time you ask me that same question - i am not running away, it's just that you are not the person that i wanted to share.

and when i am not sharing it with you - it doesn't mean that i am bottling the feelings inside, it's not that i am crying my life in my heart - it's just that, i don't feel the sense of caring coming from you, what i feel is just the attention to make me feel less of my life.

and when you dare use the word "care" to justify,
deep down i am giving you that finger that seldomly rise among all the fingers of the hand on my right.

until the day that i am begging you for life,
please make it very clear that i am currently doing fine.

if you say i am in the state of denial,
i think you are just trying hard to make you feel better with the state you are in right now by making me feel small and little and very damn minimal.

and if you think i am being too harsh with my selection of words,
believe me yours to me is just as much harsh as this, i am just paying it forward.

and don't you assume the other people too own credit cards like you do and make your pocket burn,
i never own one and so is my husband.

fin-
  
  
  

sakit.