another second breathe

mase kecik mase tengah urut tapak kaki mak, mak cakap "tahu tak syurga tu di bawah tapak kaki ibu?"
aku gelak. ok. i was 6. i can't read between the lines. everything is literal. so bile jenguk tapak kaki mak and all i can see is tapak kaki - otak aku berhenti di situ sahaje. takde syurge bawah tapak kaki ibu.

bile masuk sekolah dah pandai sikit - ustazah cerite kenape dikatekan syurga tu tempatnye bawah tapak kaki ibu - bahawasenye berkat & redha seorang ibu terhadap kehidupan kamu akan membawa ke berkat Tuhan mu dan syurge adalah balasan yang telah dijanjikan ke atas kamu.

ingat lagi ape yang mak suke cakap - ingat, doa ibu tu takde tapis nye. straight pergi dekat Allah. jgn risau, mak sentiase doakan kamu.

sebab tu kadang2 study lebih kurang je tapi dapat result ok kot? huhu. agaknyele..

mak cerite lagi, mase mak sekolah dulu, bangun pagi pergi angkat air penuhkan tempayan, lepas tu pergi menoreh. sebelum pergi sekolah salam atok & nenek, n cium tapak kaki nenek. everyday.

tapi mak tak ajar kami salam gitu, mak ajar salam cium tangan lepas tu cium pipi kanan, pipi kiri, n dahi, mak & ayah.
most of my friends zaman sekolah asrama dulu startled seeing how i greet my parents, teringat lagi one of the girls said, aku tak pernah cium ayah aku, salam cium tangan je lah. cium pipi tak pernah pon. aku, startled dengan komen die, for i thot semua anak2 di dunia ni greet parents mereke seperti yang kami adik beradik buat.

& sampai sekarang we still greet ayah the way we've been tought how.

in my 22 years of living i never kissed my mom's foot. but that day when she lies there, still, not moving, not living, i kissed her foot - it was freezing cold, n hard, and i kissed it. twice. for all i know is i don't want to missed that chance. i never did it when she was alive, so i don't want to lose it to the very last. i kissed my mom's foot - and that moment i understand why the saying "syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu". tempat yang terindah yang dijanjikan Tuhan untuk hambanya dilambangkan ditempat yang terendah di tubuh manusia - tapi di tubuh manusia yang mulia di sisiNya - seorang ibu.

mak pernah cakap lagi - kahwin nanti dalam keadaan macam mane sekalipun taat kamu berpindah ke suami kamu - redha Allah dah bergantung ke redha suami - kamu wajib mentaati suami lebih dari kamu mentaati mak dengan ayah. syurga di bawah tapak kaki die nanti.

i hate to hear that - for i can't think that there'll come a day that one man will take away the first priority box i've set for my parents.
but funnily that day came and i am willingly embraced it.

but mak was not there to witness it. or else my wedding day will be one crying-my-eyes-out-and-blotched-all-the-eyeliner-mascara-whatsoever day.

bile diingat balik, bersyukur mak dah pesan awal2 - walau mase tu tengah matrix lagi - cerite kahwin tu still dekat langit hijau lagi- tapi mak dah pesan dekat kami - syurga kamu nanti berpindah ke tapak kaki suami - taat suami - jadi isteri yang menggembirekan hati - pandai jaga maruah diri - jual nama baik suami & famili. and she has set a life example for us - how she walks the talks - that's priceless.

i had lost my heaven but last years i get it back - kata2 mak remains - tho it is so damn hard to embrace sometimes but the flashes of her words bring me back to the ground again.

i know now where's my heaven.


it is right next to me..

 

post ini lambat. 23 years ago she already turned 1 day by this time.
akak & ayah kid around on her birth time. if you were born sharp at 0000 hours, technically, you don't have a specific birth day, since 0000 is at the border - transition between yesterday and today. mcm ats pagar - you don't belong to either side.
she just laughed dat silly joke away.
ouh how we grew up together - kick around, keeping secrets, telling stories, sharing dreams.
"kak, kalau dah besar nanti dah ade duit, kau nak beli ape?"
aku cakap aku nak beli rumah, nak beli kerete..
bile tanye die, die jawab
"aku nak beli katil, nak tidor atas katil, sebab aku tak pernah ade katil sendiri"
& i laugh on dat thot, i think it's pretty funny when the 1st thing crosses her mind with cash in hands is katil.
glimpse of innocence.
but i did not laugh at dat day, when she brought one home. at her tender age of 22, and not working yet. she got a katil of her own.big one i would say, with nice plumpy mattress that i envy so much.
i did not laugh, i smile, and i asked her if she still remembers, and she just smile back.
it's her birthday yesterday - ong date chinese would say [3388], & she has bring ong to us thru out the way.

so 4u - it's just a number, it does not represent your wisdom, you yourself represent yourself.
go reach dat cloud - d ladder is ther eventho u may not see it, it's ther. just get a firm hold, & climb you!


p/s: k'lg, i did not make a special birthday post 4u last time. will pay it forward. long live insyAllah :)

if diz song was on when i was 11,
i wuld dedic8 it to my akak,
for she is my living hell thru out my pre-teen era - hehe

if diz song was on in 2009 - in d prep for my marriage,
i wuld dedic8 it to my kaklang,
for d stupid fight dat we had - and for how cruel she'd been to me (or so i thot) - hehe

but diz song was just on - & i have no 1 specific to dedic8 it to now,
becuz i'd turned on a new leaf - openly giv a damn care about wut evry1 think - or d opposite.

but i sure think dat if she knows, adik wuld dedic8 it to me,
for i am her living hell from then, till now, & forever (i much believe) - hehe

it's 1 pass 1 n my eyes are dem widely open. just at d moment wher i dont need them 2b.
d neighbor 4got 2 switch off his backlight. shines thru my room n really doesnt help diz eyes to stay close.

thinkin of actually throwin stones at the lamp. *gile psycho*

.......

mak.


jan 19, 2006. 09:51

"Khamis hari yg baik menuntut segala hajat kpd Allah yg Esa. Banyakkan puji Allah"

--> one of mak's things. daily reminder on wut 2do today. 1st sms thru evry single day.

jan 24, 2006. 11:37

"Usaha dan bertawakkal itu kesukaan Allah, jgn putus asa, usaha dan terus berusaha, dan jalan terus ke depan. Insya Allah kamu pasti berjaya kerana Allah Maha Pemberi kpd semua hamba yg ikhlas dgn-Nya"

--> mak's respon on my msg telling her my 2nd sem result. mintak maaf dkt mak sbb i neaarly score 3.5.

jan 27, 2006. 12:25

"Betul ke ade org nak blk hari ni..?"

--> haha. 1 of my sisters (sape agk nye...?) bocorkan ke mak yg aku nk blk rumah. [standard mode of ahza: bukak sem, register, ambik timetable, ciao..] konon nk buat suprise tibe2 terpacul @ dpn pintu tp dah ade org bgtau mak aku nk blk n mak pon dgn sukehati nye meruinkan kesurprisan yg aku bakal buat. ceittt

march 2, 2006. 13:29

"Ye lah tu! "saya rindu awak" camno?

--> msg yg aku hntr kt mak is "ni hao ma". lps tu mak rply "dah bljr bhs jepon ke?" (mandarin lah mak!) then aku respon n in return get diz msg. heh

stori:
sem 3, ambik mandarin as humanities elective course. buat belagak kat mak boleh la, asyik2 dok ulang ni hao ma/wo ai ni/wo bu zhi tao ni shuo shen me (ayat favorit. credit to leong, he tot me diz. ayt cine plg pnjg aku boleh utter. *ghee*) seriosly fun dat time

march 25, 2006. 07:24

"Mak tak pernah lupa kat anak2. makanan beku pun tinggalkan"

--> x igt ape peristiwa nye. obviously tgh cerite psl mkn lah ni. bende pertame jejak kaki @ rumah after long weeks @ utp is bukak fridge/freezer check laok sdp ape yg mak froze kan utk anakanda2 die d perantauan. (ahza+hikmah @ sri iskandar, muhamad @ parit buntar) ;)

may 22, 2006. 23:13

"Alhamdulillah! anak mak dah pandai masak, nanti balik masakkan untuk mak pulak yo!"

--> another standard mode of ahza: bile buat bende best sikit dgn niat asal kalau mak tau sure kene puji tp mak jaoh dari dpn mate so marilah msg mak sure kene puji jgk ni ki3

may 24, 2006. 22:06

"Hai sayang mak. camno exam. tadi mak call tapi tak jawab pun"

--> apabila mendapat msg ini terus membukak fonbuk dan press 'M' (utk Mak) dan episod >>cotcetcotcet/ngadu/cotcetcotcet/gosip/cotcet/ngadulagi/cotcetcotcet/kenemarahpulak/cotcetcotcet<< pon bermula..

may 31, 2006. 15:24

"Shukran! ajak abang balik. mak rinduuu.... sangat dgn anak2 mak ni"

--> bgtau mak sem dah habis. nak balik rumah cuti pnjg lepakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

july 30, 2006. 14:25

"ok mak tahu. kamu anak manja mak ayah"

--> haha. stori die buat adik aku skt hati (walaupon die xde d tmpt kejadian. jz plain sakit hati m'byg kan thp mengade aku dlm cerite ni). mak+ayah+akak trn sri iskandar, together with abg frm paritbuntar. lepak @ rumah sewa k'lg @ tmn maju, 2 days 1 night, housem8 die semua blk ke kmpg msg2, n kami insted of blk rmh, rmh yg dtg jengok kami ovr d wiken. seriosly fun! jz imagin kami ber-6 bersetinggan @ rumah bujang, mlm tu bersusun dr hujung dapo ke pintu msk.
cut stori short. mcm mane boleh dpt msg ats tu?
sbb merajuk mak tego my style of driving. akak+ k'lg penambah perase. make saye sulk *bigtime* of wic x lame lagi mak dah nak blk putrajaya dah tu...bile slm dgn mak mak tanye "marah mak ke?".....dan...anthr standard mode of ahza bile mak dah klua ayt mcm tu+bile nak pisah dgn mak blk utp: pelok mak kuat2 kat pinggang, rest my head on her chest n nangesssss. wajib. 2 minits top. sbb mak ckp "dah..dah..nnt tggl bas"

sept 15, 2006. 13:06

"Baik2 Ahza! mak tak nak kamu macam ni lagi. sakit jantong mak"

--> ghee...won't 4get diz moment. hari ahad, happen dat k'lg prolong cuti so have to go bak to sri iskandar alone. bas sri maju @ 1.45 pm, dari putrajaya mmg akn kelua rumah arnd 11.15, ambik erl pkl 11.30 ke bdr tasek selatan, then switch naik star smpi plaza rakyat. akn smpi pudu pkl 1.20~1.25 usually.

but dat day, lambat, 11.30 stil @ rmh lagi! n time tu akak xde @ rumah so good car xde, we left onli with d oldfren+bnyk berjase but not-so-good car yg a/c nye rosak + start jerking btwn gear shifts. mak racing dr prcnt 8 tu hntr aku ke erl. kerete berderum bunyik mcm motobot. and d day was hot! smpi2 erl org jeling je kat kitorang. haha. sian mak. nway. i did manage to catch 11.30 train...mungkin mak dah doa2 ni :)

nov 11, 2006. 14:03

"Mak ni ibu penyayang. mak sentiasa nak anak2nya sihat"

nov 13, 2006. 22:16

"Anak mak memang pandai dlm serba hal but sometimes u are lazy. tahniah tibalah masanya mak nak pencen masak."

--> ghee.. anthr moment of kalau mak tau sure kene puji tp mak jaoh dari dpn mate so marilah msg mak sure kene puji jgk ni :D

march 3, 2007. 12:03

"Dah tengahari. masak ape? mak dah makan sayor 4 mangkok, ratah ikan bawal bakar 3 suku ekor. Alhamdulillah! semenjak makan gamogen selera mak meningkat"

--> hari2 cek on mak makan ape. mak start losing appetite n start losing weight

march 6, 2007. 17:56

"Alhamdulillah! sehat orang sakit macam mak ni susah nak jangka. yang pasti mak dah nak makan. kamu balik tengok mak tembam. camne exam? mak harap kamu buat sunggoh2.."

june 5, 2007. 12:37

"Camne? mak sertakan nasi lauk sikit, nanti makan ye.. kalau rase banyak ajak lah kawan"

--> mixday. starts with heppiness, ends with us @ putrajaya hospital. rcv diz msg on my 2nd day praktikal @ p2. pagi2 dah siap packing trolley bag filled with baju+ n wutnot stuff 4 my stay in d hostel. 6 a.m, ayah hntr ke komuter serdang, i pushed off on d 1st komuter frm s'bn heading rawang. +- 1 hour travel. @ rwg, abg lil pik me up n sent me to p2. waktu lunch ayh dtg, meet ayh @ koporate building, ayah pass d trolley beg+lunch box dr mak. 2 laok; both chicken. 1 masak asam pedas, 1 lagi masak lemak. "collision of both worlds". sgt bnyk!~ mmg standard mkn 1 famili kami. so aku heret trolley msk gim, then lunch dgn kakak2 tea lady @ koporate.nice peeps :)

july 15, 2007. 19:29

"Cuba lagi untuk sem depan. syaratnya kamu mesti berusaha sunggoh dapatkan markah tertinggi dlm latehan kerja skrg. buat kerja sungguh krn Allah. Allah akan bantu kiranya kamu ikhlas dgn-Nya. mak kan tetap berdoa buatmu. itulah saja senjata yg mak ada untuk bantu kamu. "

--> lps ngadu @ mak on my 5th sem result. d beginning moment of my flunkiness. mak +ve je suruh usaha lebih lagi. did skor on d internship. boost CG a lot

july 23, 2007. 07:34

"Shukran. semoga Allah yang Maha Penyayang sayang denganmu juga. Insya Allah"

--> msg dr ahza: "mak. saye syg mak"

july 25, 2007. 12:47

"detik 9.35 mlm jumaat mak lahirkan kamu. satu anugerah Allah buat mak dan ayah 22 tahun yg lepas. mak harap di usia ini kamu dah buat persediaan jadi insan soleh untuk hidup mendatang dunia akhirat"

--> selalunye mak mmg x wish awl, sbb mak ckp "awak lahir mlm, mak wish mlm lah". but diz yr, her health starts breaking dwn, waktu siang mak ok sikit, start mgrb sakit akan attack dgn teruk. so i bliv dats d reason diz yr mak x wish mlm, sbb mak tau ade posibiliti mak lupe/too weak to type d msg 4 me.

diz is d last birthday wish frm her

july 30, 2007. 10:10

"Mak tunggu msg kamu"

--> promised mak i'll text her evry morning. i missed dat morning n i rcv diz

aug 1, 2007. 15:39

"training tu mengajar kamu. jgnlah bosan ye"

--> hah. ngadu bosan @ opis lah ni

aug 5, 2007. 20:28

"Mak tak pernah meyimpan kesilapan anak mak di hati, sebab tu sentiasa nasehat dan tegor"

--> yes mam, i bliv u, n dats exactly wut u did. kalau mak senyap sgt lah bahaye. bile mak dah xnk ckp itu crucial. meaning, mak mmg terase hati. n ther r plenty of moments i'm d cause of mak's silence. plenty.














3 am

tik..tik..tik..


feb 25, 2006. 07:06

"Dah solat? muharam dah hujung nak timbul safar. muhasabah diri. mak tak lama akan tinggalkan kamu semua, banyak dah pesanan mak, ambik lah ingatan. mak takde hartabenda pun. pada kamu semua mak nak tumpang hingga akhirat nanti"



.......

1993;SK Jln Bellamy, KL

monolog:
kuetiao lagi..? nape die asyik belikan kuetiao aje..? die x tau ke aku x mqn bendalah ni..?

and instead of saying "no" to my k'lg i push myself to swallow those bendalah. dat time kuetiao semangkuk 40 sen aje. and dat is my lunch. every single school day. 5 days a week. k'lg was a prefect back then so she went out 4 recess 10 minutes early. she never asked me what i want to have for lunch. more or less she dictated my lunch for 3 whole str8 years..so for 3 whole str8 years i was brought up with the food that i hate.the most.

who knows that 10 years after that the only order that i keep on ordering is "kuetiao kungfu satu boss!"